The Rookie Mama

71 years. It seems like a lot, doesn't it? And it is. But it's also not.  Because time can play tricks on you.  You see that it's Frosh Week for the universities, and you realize it's been FIFTEEN years since you experienced that wild, nerve-wracking week. You have a newborn and although the days and sleepless nights feel like an eternity, suddenly a year is gone in a flash. How can time feel short and long at the same time? How can 71 years seem like a lifetime and yet not nearly long enough? Over seven decades ago, on a remote island in the northern Philippines, a sickness took root in a vulnerable population: women who were pregnant. Most of them, sadly, lost their babies. My grandmother, however, did not. And thus, my father was born.  Fast forward 70 years and 3 days, and my little koala celebrated his birth day. Naturally, we envisioned a grand festive occasion for the birthdays of my son and my father - music, food, drinks, and cake. Smiles, stories, laug

It has been a long time since my last entry, and for the very simple reason that life happens - until it doesn't. And health is there until it is not. My father, the much-beloved patriarch of our family, was recently diagnosed with metastatic cancer. Our rock. Our Superman. Our living example of faith, family, and hard work. Suddenly, with one fateful sentence, everything we knew was flipped completely upside down and all our priorities changed. We learned about many scary terms. We thought many scary thoughts. And we cried ourselves to sleep, dreaming many scary dreams. After weeks and weeks in hospital, my father is back home with a road full of treatment and tests in front of him. And that road, it seems, may be shorter than we hoped. Me and my Dad at Sick Kids in the 80s But he is still here.  He's some 40 lbs lighter and 2 drain tubes heavier, but he is here. The movements may be slower but the mind is clear and the will is strong. And our family is ral

Sleep.  Is that how you spell it? It's been so long, I've forgotten what it looks like. My days consist of giggling and cooing to a sweet little babe. My nights, however, are more about glaring at a baby monitor and muttering unrepeatables at the screen. This being our second time around the track, the hub and I knew that the early months would be defined by survival - do whatever it takes to keep everyone safe, sane and reasonably healthy. For me, that meant forging a butt groove in the corner of our sectional, and watching Netflix in the wee hours of the morning while my curly-haired newborn slept soundly on my torso.  The months went on.  Eventually, we graduated from that ridiculous setup, to sleeping in a play yard in our room, and then to a crib in his. The transitions went okay, but his quality of sleep was garbage: nursing to sleep, waking every few hours, crying for comfort or cuddles or just for the fun of it. We forgave it for awhile, blaming sleep regr

You were premature by 5 weeks and 1 day. You run on your own time. You were breech after being head down for weeks. You change as the mood strikes you. You kicked off the blankets whenever you were out of the incubator. You run hot, just like your mama, and you already wanted to be like Queen Elsa. You didn't cry through all the heel pricks and IV lines. You are brave and so very strong. You stayed in NICU to learn how to eat, and after 10 days finally got the NG tube removed. You are a perfectionist. With a big appetite. You didn't walk till well past a year old. You are perhaps a little bit stubborn. Also like your mama. You were early to speak and asked a ton of questions. You have a brilliant, inquisitive mind. You love pink, sparkles, rainbows, and music. Also Batgirl. You are your own person. You were uncertain about having a brother, but are doting, loving and gentle with him. You are a wonderful big sister. Y

Today was not a good day.  The sun was shining, koala and I had no big plans, and still it was not a good day. Without anything overtly terrible happening, it was   still   not a good day. The tears were flowing, the despair was real, and the exhaustion enveloped it all. These days do come, and they can happen without warning. They can leave without a trace or linger for awhile, but they come for all of us. And that's okay. Ride the wave, embrace the tears, and know that every rookie parent has experienced the same, and will do so again. A few days back, the littles and I had an amazing day. All meals were fresh and homemade, adorable arts were crafted, and laundry was done and put away. Not only was the sink empty but so was the dishwasher. The kiddos were clean and happy, and so was I. Now fast forward to today when nothing productive got accomplished, and my PB&J for lunch barely one-upped the takeout pizza for dinner. The fruit and veggies that usually round out

Little Koala is one chill, happy baby.  Smiles come very easy to this guy - unlike his older sister who, even as an infant, was a stoic, deadpan observer waiting for you to impress her. Which you rarely did. Koala, though, is very generous with happy grins and cuddles which is wonderful because his sister was opposite, and I felt I was deserving of a cuddler this time! This, however, describes awake baby. Sleepy baby is a wholly different animal. Less koala, more...hyena? Pterodactyl? Gremlin perhaps? Until only recently, this boy's naptime existed solely in our arms. And even now, closing in on month eight(!), he's only just beginning to take parts of naps in his crib. Nighttime sleep at least takes place in his crib, but he wakes to eat, cuddle or cry two to four times a night. He has yet to sleep through the night. Not only that, he's awake for the day by 5:30 on average, and certainly by 6:00. By comparison, his older sister was waking for one maybe two feeds by

I know my parents love me.  I see it frequently and deeply, in what they say to me and about me, in the many things they do for me and my family. Their love is unconditional. Truly. But just recently, I had a realization about another facet of their love. It was a beautiful moment, a humbling one, but it had a bittersweet quality as well because it reminded me of how the clock ticks on, no matter how badly you want it to pause or go back. It started simply enough - with me and little koala playing on the bed as we do most days. We looked at books and toys, cuddled, and practiced rolling, reaching, and sitting. In these quiet moments, I am often overwhelmed with love for my kids, and go in for as many kisses and snuggles as they will tolerate. I reflected both on how little he is and how much he has learned in the last few weeks. And as I cradled the fine curve of his skull in my hand and listened to him babble away, I didn't see me. I saw my mom. When I touch the faces of my

It has been two years since the last entry. Obviously, much has happened in that time - not the least of which, little panda has a little koala brother! Yes, as of September 2016, this rookie mama became a rookie mama of two. If you want to know what kind of challenge it's been transitioning from one to two kids, just know that I fully intended to restart this blog at the start of maternity leave. And we are now in month SIX. Anyway... names. What an incredible responsibility it is to name your little human! It's how they will be known to the world. It's a piece of the foundation on which they build their identity. Do you go classic or unique? Common spelling or not? Does it go with their last name, their sibling's name? And how will you know if it suits their personality?! Like most parents, we went through list after list of names, trying to find ones we both liked and seemed suited to our family and style. I tended to be more adventurous than he, and so w