The Rookie Mama

You were premature by 5 weeks and 1 day. You run on your own time. You were breech after being head down for weeks. You change as the mood strikes you. You kicked off the blankets whenever you were out of the incubator. You run hot, just like your mama, and you already wanted to be like Queen Elsa. You didn't cry through all the heel pricks and IV lines. You are brave and so very strong. You stayed in NICU to learn how to eat, and after 10 days finally got the NG tube removed. You are a perfectionist. With a big appetite. You didn't walk till well past a year old. You are perhaps a little bit stubborn. Also like your mama. You were early to speak and asked a ton of questions. You have a brilliant, inquisitive mind. You love pink, sparkles, rainbows, and music. Also Batgirl. You are your own person. You were uncertain about having a brother, but are doting, loving and gentle with him. You are a wonderful big sister. Y...

Little Koala is one chill, happy baby.  Smiles come very easy to this guy - unlike his older sister who, even as an infant, was a stoic, deadpan observer waiting for you to impress her. Which you rarely did. Koala, though, is very generous with happy grins and cuddles which is wonderful because his sister was opposite, and I felt I was deserving of a cuddler this time! This, however, describes awake baby. Sleepy baby is a wholly different animal. Less koala, more...hyena? Pterodactyl? Gremlin perhaps? Until only recently, this boy's naptime existed solely in our arms. And even now, closing in on month eight(!), he's only just beginning to take parts of naps in his crib. Nighttime sleep at least takes place in his crib, but he wakes to eat, cuddle or cry two to four times a night. He has yet to sleep through the night. Not only that, he's awake for the day by 5:30 on average, and certainly by 6:00. By comparison, his older sister was waking for one maybe two feeds by...

I know my parents love me.  I see it frequently and deeply, in what they say to me and about me, in the many things they do for me and my family. Their love is unconditional. Truly. But just recently, I had a realization about another facet of their love. It was a beautiful moment, a humbling one, but it had a bittersweet quality as well because it reminded me of how the clock ticks on, no matter how badly you want it to pause or go back. It started simply enough - with me and little koala playing on the bed as we do most days. We looked at books and toys, cuddled, and practiced rolling, reaching, and sitting. In these quiet moments, I am often overwhelmed with love for my kids, and go in for as many kisses and snuggles as they will tolerate. I reflected both on how little he is and how much he has learned in the last few weeks. And as I cradled the fine curve of his skull in my hand and listened to him babble away, I didn't see me. I saw my mom. When I touch the faces of my ...

Happy 1st birthday to our sweet love. I can't believe it's already been a year; it feels like we met just yesterday. But when I think about how much you've grown, changed and learned, it also feels like a lifetime. You are the brightest part of my day and the warmest part of my night.  Stay fierce and determined, and know the value of hard work.  Respect everyone including yourself.  Stay sweet but always genuine.  And above all, know you are so loved by me, your dad, and your many family members and friends.

Can it really be? That one year ago today, we were still a family of two; and that one year ago tomorrow, we held our newborn daughter in our arms? It's been an amazing, awe-inspiring, scary, exciting roller coaster ride. And this week, with her birthday coming up, with my return to work pending, and with our little lady starting daycare, it's been a time of emotional reflection. I have shed many a tear over this daycare situation. I am extremely happy with our choice of provider , and know that she will be in a safe, nurturing, fun, educational environment. But knowing that in theory does little to stem the tide. And really, it's been a whole year of me and her together; it's no wonder I get choked up thinking about my panda spending her days with someone else. She will learn so much at this wonderful place, but I won't be there for a large portion of it - and that's tough. As I thought about this first drop-off, I kept circling back to the same fear: that ...

A small thing occurred this past Thursday while the panda and I played in the living room. A small but very meaningful thing. We have been practicing her little "tricks" - waving, shaking hands, high-fiving, etc. She's gotten pretty adept at them but sometimes it depends on her mood and distraction level. One thing we have been working on is a little gesture from her Filipino side called "blessing" - mano or mano po . For those of you unfamiliar with this, allow me to explain: Our culture has great respect for our elders. Mano po is an outward sign of that respect and a way of asking for a blessing from them. Imagine some chivalrous person kissing the back of someone's hand; now imagine that instead of bringing that hand to his lips, he touches that hand to his forehead - that is mano po; that is how we teach our little ones to ask for blessing. Now, my daughter and I have been practicing this gesture for awhile. Sometimes she does it quite well, ot...

(Yes, that is a shoutout to my girl, 90s Mariah Carey. My interest waned after Butterfly.) My hubby is a brilliant, witty, caring individual. But in the words of Hermione, he has the "emotional range of a teaspoon". He's the first to admit that he is a little robotic, a little Vulcan-like in his demeanour. Unless the man is a few shots deep in a bottle of Johnnie Walker, he is quiet and reserved. If you can believe it, there's a term for this in Danish which he recently learned and immediately identified with. He is the very opposite of a loud, boastful, attention-grabbing person; an anti-Kanye, if you will. Parenthood has not made him boastful. But it has made him emotional.  I myself get teary when I think of how far my little NICU preemie has come. Now that she's 8 months old and learning new things every day, I am simultaneously excited for tomorrow and nostalgic for yesterday. Much like it was during my pregnancy, I can get teary at a sweet commercial,...

I wake to the sound of her babbling. No distress, no anxiety, certainly no crying. Just her - talking to herself or perhaps to the animals hanging on her mobile. This is how she greets every morning. I listen for awhile, trying to shake the sleep from my own head. I wonder at the adorable sounds coming from the crib, and how just a few weeks ago she was not able to control her voice this way. Now there are giggles, happy shrieks, and frustrated grumblings. Just a few months in, and she is communicating with us. I peek over the side of the crib and say good morning; she turns to look at me and a huge smile stretches across her tiny face. She giggles and rolls side-to-side as I reach down to pick her up. I hold her against me and she nestles into my shoulder. She pulls her head back to look at me and we smile at each other. Recognition. She cannot yet call me "mama" nor can she tell me she loves me. But that smile, every morning without fail, tells me she knows who I am...