The Rookie Mama

Today was not a good day.  The sun was shining, koala and I had no big plans, and still it was not a good day. Without anything overtly terrible happening, it was   still   not a good day. The tears were flowing, the despair was real, and the exhaustion enveloped it all. These days do come, and they can happen without warning. They can leave without a trace or linger for awhile, but they come for all of us. And that's okay. Ride the wave, embrace the tears, and know that every rookie parent has experienced the same, and will do so again. A few days back, the littles and I had an amazing day. All meals were fresh and homemade, adorable arts were crafted, and laundry was done and put away. Not only was the sink empty but so was the dishwasher. The kiddos were clean and happy, and so was I. Now fast forward to today when nothing productive got accomplished, and my PB&J for lunch barely one-upped the takeout pizza for dinner. The fruit and veggies that usually ...

Little Koala is one chill, happy baby.  Smiles come very easy to this guy - unlike his older sister who, even as an infant, was a stoic, deadpan observer waiting for you to impress her. Which you rarely did. Koala, though, is very generous with happy grins and cuddles which is wonderful because his sister was opposite, and I felt I was deserving of a cuddler this time! This, however, describes awake baby. Sleepy baby is a wholly different animal. Less koala, more...hyena? Pterodactyl? Gremlin perhaps? Until only recently, this boy's naptime existed solely in our arms. And even now, closing in on month eight(!), he's only just beginning to take parts of naps in his crib. Nighttime sleep at least takes place in his crib, but he wakes to eat, cuddle or cry two to four times a night. He has yet to sleep through the night. Not only that, he's awake for the day by 5:30 on average, and certainly by 6:00. By comparison, his older sister was waking for one maybe two feeds by...

I know my parents love me.  I see it frequently and deeply, in what they say to me and about me, in the many things they do for me and my family. Their love is unconditional. Truly. But just recently, I had a realization about another facet of their love. It was a beautiful moment, a humbling one, but it had a bittersweet quality as well because it reminded me of how the clock ticks on, no matter how badly you want it to pause or go back. It started simply enough - with me and little koala playing on the bed as we do most days. We looked at books and toys, cuddled, and practiced rolling, reaching, and sitting. In these quiet moments, I am often overwhelmed with love for my kids, and go in for as many kisses and snuggles as they will tolerate. I reflected both on how little he is and how much he has learned in the last few weeks. And as I cradled the fine curve of his skull in my hand and listened to him babble away, I didn't see me. I saw my mom. When I touch the faces of my ...

It has been two years since the last entry. Obviously, much has happened in that time - not the least of which, little panda has a little koala brother! Yes, as of September 2016, this rookie mama became a rookie mama of two. If you want to know what kind of challenge it's been transitioning from one to two kids, just know that I fully intended to restart this blog at the start of maternity leave. And we are now in month SIX. Anyway... names. What an incredible responsibility it is to name your little human! It's how they will be known to the world. It's a piece of the foundation on which they build their identity. Do you go classic or unique? Common spelling or not? Does it go with their last name, their sibling's name? And how will you know if it suits their personality?! Like most parents, we went through list after list of names, trying to find ones we both liked and seemed suited to our family and style. I tended to be more adventurous than he, and so w...

i have been hesitant to join the vaccination debate, although i have strong opinions about it. but as i watched from the sidelines, i had an interesting realization: at heart, pro- and anti-vaxxers are actually quite alike. what this massive, contentious, and at times vicious debate boils down to is loving parents who want to do the best for their kids. pro and anti alike, we are bombarded with information/misinformation, we are confused and truly, we are scared. we all just want happy, healthy kids that can grow up in a safe environment. armed with the realization that pro- and anti-vaxxers come from a similar place, i am reviving my blog and adding my voice to the din. the facts and science are out there, so i will not appeal to your brain. instead, i will appeal to your heart. have you held your newborn's hand through the openings of an incubator?  i have. have you held her while trying to untangle all the tubes and lines protruding from her body? i have. and...

Another hiatus as life gets in the way... But here we are! Two months with the little one in daycare, and two months with this Rookie Mama back at work. It's been a strange and difficult transition, but a good one for all that. I miss my little panda, but being away from her during the day makes our time together more special - for both of us, it seems. The smiles and hugs upon pickup are some of the sweetest, most heart-warming experiences I've ever had. Lucky me: my husband gets the drop offs, and I get mostly pick ups. Even though she's fine with the drop offs now, I surely get the better end of the deal :) I love being a mama. I loved having time "off", and the work of being with my daughter that whole first year was rewarding but oh, so exhausting - physically, mentally and emotionally. And although I both loved and appreciated this time on maternity leave, by about month 10 (certainly by month 11), I was ready to get back to work. This absolutely does no...

Happy 1st birthday to our sweet love. I can't believe it's already been a year; it feels like we met just yesterday. But when I think about how much you've grown, changed and learned, it also feels like a lifetime. You are the brightest part of my day and the warmest part of my night.  Stay fierce and determined, and know the value of hard work.  Respect everyone including yourself.  Stay sweet but always genuine.  And above all, know you are so loved by me, your dad, and your many family members and friends.